what keeps me up

So, I should be sleeping. And maybe if I were, I wouldn't be thinking about this. And then it wouldn't be a problem. Oh the circles I go in. I don't know what it means. I wonder if I'll be irritated with this tomorrow. I want to be better. I want to be whole. I want to not be put on probation for being weird. I want to be able to do what normal people do, and I want to be able to be trusted with tasks that are important and involve other people. I am ashamed of myself for what I did, I can't explain it, or why, but please, God, help me not do it again. I still haven't figured out the agency of God in the world, although no one else should be able to claim they have either. But if that were the path I am to take, shouldn't it have opened up at some point? Doesn't the fact that it keeps dead-ending mean that I should move to another option? Surely there is only so much persistence that can be expected. If one persists and only runs into dead ends, the healthy thing it seems is to move in a different direction. No? I hope so. That's what I'm doing. I have realized I've lived a lot in my head lately. I have had little conscious interaction with the physical world around me. I hadn't even remembered exactly what was in my room. Not details. I hadn't thought about it. Maybe I should move out of the living room. I haven't really moved in there, but I spend all my time in that one spot on the couch. I don't quite know why. That's just where I've been. I don't always understand where this all comes from, or where it goes when it's gone, and I haven't been able to find anyone who could give me a satisfactory explanation. I need grace like whoa, and hopefully I can find it. Jesus save me. I constantly am finding that patience is a virtue for good reason. And I want to find that fulfillment I so desperately at times seek. If I could get a few clues as to what it is, that would be good. Possibly quite helpful to know what I'm working toward. I would like to hope that, if I must stay here for another couple of years at least, that KAMX will present an opportunity, or even Ritz Camera again. I am beginning to be more comfortable with myself, which is helpful. And finding someone to love could be helpful, hard to say. There are advantages and disadvantages to being single. One seems to be that I am alone. Not entirely alone, but there is no one that I have the guarantee of maintaining a relationship with. I know that technically even being 'in love' with someone makes no guarantees, but I'd like to think that I'm serious enough about what love means that I would take it seriously and make it work because that's the way it's meant to be. And while being alone presents opportunities to do what I want, to not have to worry about taking into consideration another's hopes and dreams, it can also be a bit lonely at times. No one in a position to be there for you no matter what. I have good people in my life, and I am grateful for them. And maybe as I grow, and become more comfortable with myself, I will learn how to trust others more, and better. I just need a little help to get there. And that's what I pray for. Fortunately this writing has accomplished what I hoped it would. I have regained a sense of peace or something, at any rate a sense of comfort that I can now fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and face the day and be human. God please bring wholeness to my life, I need it so badly. Please heal my wounds and mend my breaks. And thank you for the grace to keep going every day. Amen.