my life for today

This is my first taste of 'the real world' and it's interesting. I don't have any homework, although I feel like I should. I don't have anything in particular that needs doing. It's such a strange feeling. I go to work, and I come home, but there's nothing pressing that needs to be done. I do my duties like pay the bills, call Harris County and tell them I can't go to jury duty b/c I no longer live there. I clean the bathroom, vacuum, water the plants (when it isn't raining), I took my car in for the tune up it said it needed. I don't know why last summer I always felt I was racing a clock, I guess b/c I was home with my parents instead of home on my own. Because what I'm living now is the real world. Yes, I have one semester of college left, but for all practical purposes during the summer I have nothing. I have a book to read for my honors class, but I don't want to do that too soon. I have signs to paint, but no deadline on those. I have books to read, but no deadline on those. So I can sit here and ruin my eyes by staring at a computer screen all day. Listen to the radio over the internet, blog, check email, play on facebook. Think about how to write my life so that I don't hate it. Watch the storms and rain. Watch the bird sitting on its nest in my plant. Wait for my roommate to come home from her 9-5 job. Time to think about fear, and overcoming it, growing, getting past the hell that has been my life for the past years. Time to slip backwards, into that darkness, time for reprimand and reinterpretation, and reunderstanding. I have nothing but time, and nothing but the rest of my life, to figure out what to do. I don't want to stay in this transitional period forever, I can't stay here. So hopefully this writing will help. The place for honesty with myself and whoever happens to stumble upon it. The place for learning and hoping. The place where maybe a stranger can touch my life, or maybe I can touch a stranger's. This world has a method I do not know, I only know that things will carry on, and I will go with them, for better or worse, but hopefully to a better end. If I can learn who I am and who I am meant to be, and then become that, then I will have made it, regardless of what others think or say about what i am. I know not everyone will agree, or will even like what I am and what I do, but I know that if I am not true to myself then I have no purpose being. I have heard it said I (and you and you) am a human being, not a human doing. I think that is a problem. I need to learn that being is enough, but that I need to be me. Because I think if we are who we are, the doing will follow. But we have to be before we do, otherwise the doing is moot. So I work on being, being me, learning me. And thus we have this endeavor. I pray God uses it in a helpful way.