my demons

I just finished reading a Guideposts magazine. I don't appreciate them as much as I used to because some of the stories seem a little too, easy. My life doesn't work like that. And since this is my place for honesty and I am writing to a million imaginary readers who will probably never read this, I can write without fear of judgement. So here is where I will speak of my demons, in hopes of moving past them. I developed the beginnings of this chronic depression in 8th grade, and it has plagued me ever since. I have been to many counselors and a few different psychiatrists. I take medication, have for a few years now, am on my third one, and at the point where I may have to look into switching again. Statistics say that the more times one falls out of remission, or relapses, the more likely they are to relapse again, and for treatment to be more difficult. At 21 this is not a promising prospect. I know I have issues, but I also have had some less than positive experiences with the psychological professionals, and I hesitate to go to counseling again. I was temporarily kicked out of school for 2 weeks a couple of years ago, and that was not a pleasant experience. That sense of lost freedom, of not being allowed to be alone or go anywhere by oneself, not being allowed to drive alone, being hungry, but more than anything just wanting that freedom, wanting to make a choice and be alone. And now a fear of that being taken away again haunts me. I never want to lose my opportunities to make choices for myself. I am afraid to tell anyone about all that I think about, because I don't want them to decide I can no longer make my own decisions. Because that is one of the worst things someone can take from another person. And I don't want to lose that again. I was feeling not so great earlier, but things worked out ok, so I'm over it for now. It's a difficult way to live, often on the edge of sanity, praying to God that nothing makes me totally snap. I am looking for my purpose, my calling, and I haven't found it yet. So these musings will hopefully bring me to that. And if anyone does read this, I encourage comments, because we are all human together. I pray for peace for the world and for my soul, so that I can work in and for this world. Amen.