what keeps me up

So, I should be sleeping. And maybe if I were, I wouldn't be thinking about this. And then it wouldn't be a problem. Oh the circles I go in. I don't know what it means. I wonder if I'll be irritated with this tomorrow. I want to be better. I want to be whole. I want to not be put on probation for being weird. I want to be able to do what normal people do, and I want to be able to be trusted with tasks that are important and involve other people. I am ashamed of myself for what I did, I can't explain it, or why, but please, God, help me not do it again. I still haven't figured out the agency of God in the world, although no one else should be able to claim they have either. But if that were the path I am to take, shouldn't it have opened up at some point? Doesn't the fact that it keeps dead-ending mean that I should move to another option? Surely there is only so much persistence that can be expected. If one persists and only runs into dead ends, the healthy thing it seems is to move in a different direction. No? I hope so. That's what I'm doing. I have realized I've lived a lot in my head lately. I have had little conscious interaction with the physical world around me. I hadn't even remembered exactly what was in my room. Not details. I hadn't thought about it. Maybe I should move out of the living room. I haven't really moved in there, but I spend all my time in that one spot on the couch. I don't quite know why. That's just where I've been. I don't always understand where this all comes from, or where it goes when it's gone, and I haven't been able to find anyone who could give me a satisfactory explanation. I need grace like whoa, and hopefully I can find it. Jesus save me. I constantly am finding that patience is a virtue for good reason. And I want to find that fulfillment I so desperately at times seek. If I could get a few clues as to what it is, that would be good. Possibly quite helpful to know what I'm working toward. I would like to hope that, if I must stay here for another couple of years at least, that KAMX will present an opportunity, or even Ritz Camera again. I am beginning to be more comfortable with myself, which is helpful. And finding someone to love could be helpful, hard to say. There are advantages and disadvantages to being single. One seems to be that I am alone. Not entirely alone, but there is no one that I have the guarantee of maintaining a relationship with. I know that technically even being 'in love' with someone makes no guarantees, but I'd like to think that I'm serious enough about what love means that I would take it seriously and make it work because that's the way it's meant to be. And while being alone presents opportunities to do what I want, to not have to worry about taking into consideration another's hopes and dreams, it can also be a bit lonely at times. No one in a position to be there for you no matter what. I have good people in my life, and I am grateful for them. And maybe as I grow, and become more comfortable with myself, I will learn how to trust others more, and better. I just need a little help to get there. And that's what I pray for. Fortunately this writing has accomplished what I hoped it would. I have regained a sense of peace or something, at any rate a sense of comfort that I can now fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and face the day and be human. God please bring wholeness to my life, I need it so badly. Please heal my wounds and mend my breaks. And thank you for the grace to keep going every day. Amen.

thoughts on authority and other musings

Last night I saw a video made about the trial of Pastor Bradley Schmeling for being a pastor and in a committed relationship with another man. It was very well done, both informationally and artistically. And at one point in the movie Pr. Schmeling is speaking to his congregation, and he says that as a boy he was always taught that when in trouble find someone in authority, like a police officer, to help you out. And that he wishes even still that that were the case. And he is not the only person who has been told that. I was taught that in elementary school. I'm sure most of the world was told that. Sadly, however, as we grow up and get older, we find that is only a delusion, an ideal that is rarely reached. There are plenty of people in authority positions such as firemen and police officers who are good people and would help a lost child. But there are too many, because even one is too many, who are not looking out for the interests of others. And this trial of a pastor is one example. It is unimportant that this man has been an excellent pastor to this congregation, it is unimportant that the congregation asked him to be there and wants him there and theologically speaking he is really not in any violations. There are some man made rules, and some people are just uncomfortable, so those two men and that entire congregation get punished for it. And one man interviewed in the video commented when he first got to know Bradley that they got a mercedes with a bent fender, and Bradley replied, we all have bent fenders. An excellent answer. Very true. We are all sinners, we all have issues. Fortunately Lutheran theology specifically speaks to this, that sin does not have the final say, grace does, because God came down to humanity. The biggest problem I see here is people talking about something they have no first hand experience with. That is forever a problem in the world. People try to regulate things they do not understand, people try to make claims about things they do not understand, and people enforce policies on others when they do not understand. And all that happens is people get hurt. And the world is broken enough as it is. Sometimes, thinking about accepting everyone is uncomfortable. Sometimes we are uncomfortable accepting parts of ourselves. But we are all so far from perfect, yet God has accepted us all anyway, already, that how can we do anything less, when we have already received a gift far beyond what we deserve? Selfish hoarding of this gift only diminishes its appreciability. How can you feel good about being accepted when you reject others? And sadly, the people we have in charge of things, specifically those in charge of church bodies, should be examples to the rest of us, but often they fall short of that calling. Yes, it is hard to live in such public light all the time, but honesty should be valued that much more because of it. Maybe I'm too much of a purist there. I just wish we didn't all have to be so scared of showing others who we really are. We would possibly all be a lot healthier. I pray that God works in a helpful way for this upcoming churchwide assembly, and I pray for everyone involved, and those hurt by these events and those confused and those with closed hearts and minds. And all the rest of us, God knows we all need it. Amen.

step: next

Those people can all go to hell. I don't know who's at fault, me or them. But I hate it. I hate it, I hate it. And I don't want to do it anymore. So I quit. I'm done. God, I'm sorry if that's what you're offering, I don't want it. I'd rather live with my realities than have them treated like that. Maybe these are just the quirks I need to embrace. And hopefully they won't take me with them. Please, help me somehow, but not like that. It's not right. It can't be. Not like that. Please.

we lost Jesus..

Sunday I did the children's sermon during the church service. The substitute pastor said he liked it, and even referred to it some in his own sermon that day, which I imagine is a decent affirmation. And the pastor of the congregation, who was on a trip with the teenagers that day, had suggested earlier in the week the possibility of my dispelling the myths of Mary Magdalene being a prostitute, or somehow mentioning how women are important too, but I just couldn't figure out how to bring those issues to a 5 year old level. Fortunately the pastor mentioned those in his sermon, so I didn't even need to consider worrying. But anyway, preparation for any sermon, for kids or the congregation or whatever, involves first reading the text(s) of the day from the lectionary (in the case of denominations that do that, or when preparing a Bible class lesson with particular texts), and then reflecting upon those texts and attempting to come up with some tidbit of a message that could be expounded upon. I think often this happens in conversation with another, whether on purpose or not. I received some inspiration from my roommate, who had the benefit of attending many children's sermons in her lifetime; I did not grow up in a denomination that had children's sermons. So she suggested I talk about how Jesus is there even when we don't know it. (the text was Mary Magdalene coming to the tomb, finding it empty, weeping, and then seeing Jesus standing outside--John 20:1-2, 11-18) So I thought about that for a while. It sounded good to me. So I asked the kids, "have you ever lost anything?" Fortunately they said yes, so I went on with "in this story Mary and some apostles go to the tomb, because Jesus had died, and he wasn't there. And they were like, great, we lost Jesus." So then I asked them if they had ever not been able to find anything, but then it was right there in front of them. The one boy got this grin on his face like it was a secret admission, and said yes. It was a great expression. He is already getting to the age where he understands embarrassment, but how it can be freeing to admit things like that when it is a shared admission. He was 5 or 6, I can't remember exactly. Anyway, I continued with telling them how even though we don't see Jesus like the people did back then, we can be Jesus by doing things that Jesus would do, and being kind to others and helping others when they need it. But the pastor, in his sermon, seemed to really appreciate the way I said they had lost Jesus. Which then got me thinking some more, about how it is true even now. We are constantly losing Jesus, because we get distracted by things happing in our lives and we forget Jesus is there too. So we all too often are weeping and looking for Jesus, and turn around to ask someone if they have seen Him, and realize it is Him we are talking to. Just the way Mary did in the story. It isn't the actual flesh and blood Jesus who walked the earth 2000 some odd years ago, maybe, but it is Jesus nonetheless. We all have opportunity to help others find Jesus when they lose Him, and we will be visited by another who will help us do the same. This life can be a messy business but we have help, and we can make it through. Help from God, help from the other two members of the Trinity, and help from the rest of God's creation, living out their calling to be the hands and feet of God in the world.

facing reality

I went with my roommate, who works at the same place I do but she is a news reporter, and we heard an accident come over the scanner, so her coworker told us to hurry there and take photos b/c it was very close. It ended up being one of my other coworkers involved, he was ok, but the passenger in the other car was taken away in an ambulance likely with a broken arm and other minor injuries, and being a photographer I was told to take photos. I have a hard time with that though, emotionally it was somewhat difficult to do. And sadly I am feeling that I am getting to the breaking point again, that feeling I get where I could cry over something that I shouldn't. All it would take is something to scare me, something else like that accident, or any particular stress that suddenly overwhelms me. And I stopped taking the antidepressants I have been on for a little over a year, of which I am still suffering a bit from withdrawal symptoms, but the antidepressant was not really helping anymore. I don't think I'm supposed to go through one a year. So I pray to God that I will survive this truth, and be able to get past it and over it, and survive as a child of God.

in which we realize our life isn't so crappy as we once feared...

My roommate has been having car troubles for quite a bit of time, and today was a final blow. I had to go pick her up off the side of the road b/c her car died again and she absolutely could not get it started. So I took her back to work then, and then we went to IHOP, because her grandparents and father live off a stretch of the new SH130 and they finally got an offer that matched what her grandparents were asking for the property. Except for some reason today her grandfather decided he wanted more money. They are already getting an exorbitant amount of money for their property with this offer, yet he decided he needed more. My roommate needs a new car, and her grandparents will not give the money for it. It is the most amazing, strangest thing I have ever heard. I know my own grandmother has plenty of money, she has invested well, the man she is married to now invests well, but they give money to many good causes and I know if I were in this position of needing a new car she would not hesitate to help. My roommate's grandparents' scruples make me realize how fortunate I am, even with all the insanity and weirdness that is my family. How money can do that to people is amazing. Incredible, and horrible. How having more than you could ever hope to spend and that still not being enough, and yet you will not share it with anyone, not even your own flesh and blood when they are in need. The money is useless as it is, and they are in no shape to go on any extravagant vacations or spend the money in any way, and yet they sit on it and pay lawyers and stock people too much money when they don't need to, and they allow the government to take too much of it in taxes, because they have become so greedy or whatever unexplicable malady has befallen them that they would rather sit on it and watch it rot than see it put to good use and actually do something benevolent for their family members. How something like that can happen I do not understand, nor does my roommate, and she suffers while this happens. It is like her grandparents are no longer people, something else has taken hold of them. And thus I realize the blessings I have, and work to embrace them and learn and grow.

you gave me a rainbow dangit

Dear God. You gave me a rainbow yesterday. I'm tired of doing all this on my end, it's Your turn. Thanks. -Elise

Yes well, I hope it works like that. I need a faith overhaul, and I'm starting yesterday. I also say the hell with depression and those demons can go back to from whence they came. Dear God I want it to work for good. Please. You gave me a rainbow yesterday. Yes, I know everyone else saw it too. But rainbows are a promise. Noah got the first rainbow. And it was a promise. So I want my rainbow too. My promise. I know I have to do work too. But God please. This is important. I know everything is important. O God, I want to do things, I want to be a person, I want to be Your person, but I need Your help, I need help. I know I can't do this on my own, and that to hope that now will be any different is hoping for a miracle, but hey, You're the one to go to for a miracle, right? My name means consecrated to God. I no longer believe that was just a coincidence. Please, help me stay focused, help me stay strong. I know things will happen that I will be unable to control, and things will go wrong, and be bad, but please please, dear God for the love of all things holy, please keep the rainbow promise. Please be with me, please help me remember You are always with me, and please keep the demons at a safe distance. Please help me love and be loved again. O God only You can do and be what I need, and You know. Amen.

i chose to be gay the same day you chose to be straight

I am a lesbian. I did not decide I wanted to be a lesbian. People generally do not run towards and embrace willingly civil restrictions and social and religious outcasting. I don't enjoy being called a sinner and in general being discriminated against. Homosexuality is not some made up condition that people decide they want. Yes, there is homosexual fornication and rape and abuse of others sexually, but all of that is also present in the heterosexual world. Yes there are homosexuals who are very noncommittal and sleep around and such, but there are heterosexuals who do the exact same thing. There are plenty of homosexual couples who stay committed for life and raise happy healthy children. I have come to believe sexuality is truly a spectrum, with some people completely heterosexual, and others, myself included, completely homosexual, with the rest of the world scattered somewhere in between. I have never in my life had any physical attraction to a male, and while I grew up in a very conservative Christian family and area I had no idea that I wasn't straight. It wasn't anything to question. I figured I was a little weird b/c at sleepovers and things the girls would all talk about their crushes and they always asked me and I always said no one. They thought I just didn't want to tell, so they would prod for a while before finally giving up. But I was not lying, I really had no crushes. I had a few boys who liked me in junior high and high school, and I was friends with most of them, but I never had any physical attraction. I told myself it was because I had high standards and I was waiting for the perfect guy. Well, I pretty much found the perfect guy, but I can't date him or marry him. I did try dating him, I thought maybe friendship starts, and then love grows out of that. But I could not cultivate any sort of romantic feelings for him, when he touched me it did nothing, sometimes I even wished he wouldn't. The first time I kissed him, the first kiss I ever got, was so without any meaning or feeling that all I could think was this is stupid why do people do this, and was on the verge of it being disgusting. Then my first thought as soon as it ended was, 'I wonder what it would be like to kiss a girl.' Just like that, no actual time for thinking, it just popped into my head. It was so weird. And it felt like something in me had died. I started crying then, because I was so confused and didn't know what to do or think. So I started thinking, and talked to a few people, and reflected on my life, and realised that I have always been gay and had never known it or seen it because the environment was so closed to the possibility. I had always pushed aside my intrigue with the female body as artistic interest, although I rarely noticed attractive men, and didn't ever share the sentiments of other girls when appraising a quality male specimen. I didn't get it. Part of myself, really, but also characteristic of some lesbians, I am tomboyish, stopped wearing dresses and skirts to school in second grade, liked to play games with the boys, liked to help my dad do stuff outside, I was a young feminist and lesbian, with all the signs had anyone been capable of seeing them. But no one else in the world I grew up in could have seen them either, or hardly anyone, because they all were from the same basic understanding that homosexuality was a sin and a disease that gave AIDS to all the little kids in Africa. So for years I felt very different and couldn't figure out why, and struggled with it. But now I understand, now I have realized that this is who I am, and that it has always been a part of me, and I can appreciate myself in new and healthy ways. My parents don't know, and will not at all be happy when/if they find out, but I am becoming less fearful of people finding out and knowing, because I am learning that one can only be complete when one is comfortable with who one is. So I embrace my sexuality as a gift from God, not as a mistake or a sin or a bad choice. I am waiting to meet a wonderful woman that I can spend my life with, and maybe adopt children with. Humanity is sinful, and laws against gay marriage have not stopped heterosexuals from making a mess and a mockery out of the so-called sacred. God does not care for the sins of fornication and adultery from either sexual orientation, but I believe God blesses committed partnerships and families from both. A homosexual couple cannot have children in the natural way, but this is also the case for many heterosexual couples. There are plenty of instances of infertility from one or both spouses. And there are so many orphaned and poorly cared for children in the world, why should anyone deny these children a good home that provides love and shelter and basic needs met? Just because there are two moms or two dads? Some kids only have one parent, some have no parents, only a cousin or a grandmother or group homes. The gender does not matter as long as there is love for the child that promotes health and a good life. There are good homosexual people just like there are good heterosexual people, just like there are good people with blond hair and good people with brown hair. Genetics and nature and nurture are not simple, but I'm not a lesbian because my parents did something wrong in raising me or because I was abused or for any other reason but that is who I am and how I was made. I chose to be gay the same day you chose to be straight. And those who say counseling and therapy can 'cure' homosexuality are not correct. They may be able to delude some into believing they are straight, and they may appeal to others who are less homosexual on the sexuality scale and convince them to only listen to the heterosexual leanings they have, but they will 'cure' no one, and of all the testimonies I have read of supposedly cured people, none of them say they are happy with their new life, that they have a good relationship with someone, that they no longer suffer distress over these issues. But I have found some relief and healing in understanding this part of me and who I am and why I felt so strange for so many years, and I do not believe that denying that again would make things better. Therefore I urge anyone who reads this who is uncertain in this area to think about these things, have an open mind, and remember that I am a human also, no less than any other. God be with you.

a quick look at today

Today was supposed to be the town's fourth of july parade, and I was going to take photos for the station, but it started pouring, so yes, it rained on our parade. O well. Now I just get to sit at home and type. Because I would probably still be asleep had I not been supposed to take photos. But it rained a lot, and I had to drive my roommate's car, which I am not used to driving a car at all, I have a small SUV. And it was raining hard enough that it was hard to see out the windshield, and such as that. So we drove home in the rain. Now it's not raining so much anymore. And I am trying to grow, looking for courage. I am afraid that because of what I have been I will never be allowed to be something else. And every time I get close to making it something else happens and I fall again and it's like that final goal is always just out of my reach. I am thinking at this point I am going to have to make a dive, just jump in and do something, if anyone will let me. I want courage to stand up for who I am, and support from people to let me take those chances. So, this prayer from Reinhold Niebuhr, modernized I think, is quite appropriate to end with: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

my demons

I just finished reading a Guideposts magazine. I don't appreciate them as much as I used to because some of the stories seem a little too, easy. My life doesn't work like that. And since this is my place for honesty and I am writing to a million imaginary readers who will probably never read this, I can write without fear of judgement. So here is where I will speak of my demons, in hopes of moving past them. I developed the beginnings of this chronic depression in 8th grade, and it has plagued me ever since. I have been to many counselors and a few different psychiatrists. I take medication, have for a few years now, am on my third one, and at the point where I may have to look into switching again. Statistics say that the more times one falls out of remission, or relapses, the more likely they are to relapse again, and for treatment to be more difficult. At 21 this is not a promising prospect. I know I have issues, but I also have had some less than positive experiences with the psychological professionals, and I hesitate to go to counseling again. I was temporarily kicked out of school for 2 weeks a couple of years ago, and that was not a pleasant experience. That sense of lost freedom, of not being allowed to be alone or go anywhere by oneself, not being allowed to drive alone, being hungry, but more than anything just wanting that freedom, wanting to make a choice and be alone. And now a fear of that being taken away again haunts me. I never want to lose my opportunities to make choices for myself. I am afraid to tell anyone about all that I think about, because I don't want them to decide I can no longer make my own decisions. Because that is one of the worst things someone can take from another person. And I don't want to lose that again. I was feeling not so great earlier, but things worked out ok, so I'm over it for now. It's a difficult way to live, often on the edge of sanity, praying to God that nothing makes me totally snap. I am looking for my purpose, my calling, and I haven't found it yet. So these musings will hopefully bring me to that. And if anyone does read this, I encourage comments, because we are all human together. I pray for peace for the world and for my soul, so that I can work in and for this world. Amen.

my life for today

This is my first taste of 'the real world' and it's interesting. I don't have any homework, although I feel like I should. I don't have anything in particular that needs doing. It's such a strange feeling. I go to work, and I come home, but there's nothing pressing that needs to be done. I do my duties like pay the bills, call Harris County and tell them I can't go to jury duty b/c I no longer live there. I clean the bathroom, vacuum, water the plants (when it isn't raining), I took my car in for the tune up it said it needed. I don't know why last summer I always felt I was racing a clock, I guess b/c I was home with my parents instead of home on my own. Because what I'm living now is the real world. Yes, I have one semester of college left, but for all practical purposes during the summer I have nothing. I have a book to read for my honors class, but I don't want to do that too soon. I have signs to paint, but no deadline on those. I have books to read, but no deadline on those. So I can sit here and ruin my eyes by staring at a computer screen all day. Listen to the radio over the internet, blog, check email, play on facebook. Think about how to write my life so that I don't hate it. Watch the storms and rain. Watch the bird sitting on its nest in my plant. Wait for my roommate to come home from her 9-5 job. Time to think about fear, and overcoming it, growing, getting past the hell that has been my life for the past years. Time to slip backwards, into that darkness, time for reprimand and reinterpretation, and reunderstanding. I have nothing but time, and nothing but the rest of my life, to figure out what to do. I don't want to stay in this transitional period forever, I can't stay here. So hopefully this writing will help. The place for honesty with myself and whoever happens to stumble upon it. The place for learning and hoping. The place where maybe a stranger can touch my life, or maybe I can touch a stranger's. This world has a method I do not know, I only know that things will carry on, and I will go with them, for better or worse, but hopefully to a better end. If I can learn who I am and who I am meant to be, and then become that, then I will have made it, regardless of what others think or say about what i am. I know not everyone will agree, or will even like what I am and what I do, but I know that if I am not true to myself then I have no purpose being. I have heard it said I (and you and you) am a human being, not a human doing. I think that is a problem. I need to learn that being is enough, but that I need to be me. Because I think if we are who we are, the doing will follow. But we have to be before we do, otherwise the doing is moot. So I work on being, being me, learning me. And thus we have this endeavor. I pray God uses it in a helpful way.

the bird in the airplane plant

So, I sit here, watching the wren in my airplane plant. I was watering my plants one day and noticed a stray piece of plant in my pot, and when I took it down (it hangs above eye level) it was not a stray plant but a bird nest. So, after that 3 eggs appeared in the nest. And now the wren sits there all the time. Well, except when my roommate or I leave through the front door, then it flies away, sometimes almost taking off our heads. Crazy bird. I have watched this bird for at least a week, I have trouble measuring the passage of time anymore, I just know it goes by quickly. But some days, the wind is blowing, and I think the poor bird must be getting seasick. But I admire its patience, and how it sits there day and night, waiting for those little eggs to hatch. I like having a bird nest in my plant, it seems a little like its my bird, and my eggs, and I feel good that I have given a smaller creature a place of shelter. I wonder what it's thinking. I know they say birds don't think much, but something must be going on in its tiny mind. I wish it wouldn't fly away all the time, so I could just get closer, look closer. But I can only get close if I'm on the other side of the window. I guess if I was a bird I'd fly away too. But the bird is there, and I can't wait to have little chirping baby birds there too. I may have to put a cushion on the ground when it's time for them to learn to fly, b/c I would hate to see one not make it. I'm not a 'tree-hugger' type, or sobber over the laws of nature, but these are my birds, and I want them to make it. I get attached to little critters that share my space (well, not bugs so much) and I want them to make it. Most of us will make it, with a little (or a lot) help and patience. So I guess this is my prayer for the wren in my airplane plant.

new post (i know, so original)

This is my new blog. Journaling to oneself is so overrated. I don't know, it just seems more encouraging or more effective and worthwhile if there's even the possibility that someone else will read it. Maybe I'm worth more than I know. And I love writing. So if you happen to be someone I don't know and stumble across this anyway, read it, comment if you wish, that's what the world of blogging is for, and I would appreciate it, we grow when we receive feedback from others. This first post is going to be short, b/c I just created the blog and now I'm getting tired and have to meet someone at noon tomorrow and still have to shower etc. But maybe, if the rest of my life doesn't end up happening in any semblance of what I would appreciate, maybe my writing will remain, and leave some testimony, some fragment of help and hope to some other soul in this world. One never knows.