and then we met reality again

So. Yes. Reality. We have a love/hate relationship. And I have a very thick skull. I understand, finally, and people probably get tired of hearing me say that, but I do get it, that if I don't figure some stuff out I will never be in a place to discern a calling. I can only pray to God and hope for mercy that the counselor I have an appointment with on Friday will be helpful. I have been denying things for so long, but a healthy life does not come from that form of living. My lost identity as a lesbian created more trauma than I had previously realized, and if I ever want to be in a position to truly be helpful to others I need to deal with that. I cannot hope to know if I have a calling in ordained ministry or simply lay ministry or as a radio person if I do not sort through the mess that is my life now. Because the pile of crap has grown larger, and the closets are full. They no longer hold all the stuff. The rug only hides things from actual view, no one in their right mind would see the huge lump under it and not know something was there. I was so afraid of myself for so long, I don't want to be afraid anymore. I imagine I have missed some opportunities, and there were times when I just wasn't ready to see things for what they really are. But now I have to be. I want to be. I want to be whole and healthy, not the product of longterm care by others. I hope those who have been patient so far will remain such, and I thank them for the grace they have imparted to me. I don't know what my calling in life is, I can only hope to be patient as I work to discover that. If I come back to ministry so be it. I was proofing a paper for a friend earlier as he is beginning seminary and continually writes essays about his calling for one reason or another, and that was somewhat clarifying. He can say he is called to ministry because he has the clarity of having a past that is dealt with and a present that is not fraught with instability and uncertainties beyond normal life circumstances. I have neither of those, and as 'real life' gets closer and closer, and stares me in the face, I can more fully appreciate that I won't make it there unless I deal with what I have here. I am going to visit my family tomorrow, hopefully that will be a positive experience, I pray not the last one before I have to deal with their rejection, I do not know when they will find out about who I really am, or exactly how they will deal with it, I can only imagine it won't be pretty. My parents do not say nice things about homosexuals. I fear that that, added to my religious break with their tradition, will not fare well for me, at least not at first. Religion is a powerful thing, at the hands of many or few, and causes many people to do hurtful things to other people. I'll save the religious musings for another post, but suffice it to say I do not believe religion and faith are the same, and while religion has positive aspects, it can be exceedingly dangerous if misused or abused. So I end with a prayer for the world, God knows we all need it.