some questions on reality

I am getting close to the finishing of my omnivore's dilemma book (fortunately it was not due in full the first day of class, nor the second). And it is talking about hunting, and the moral etc issues involved in hunting. And I am thinking, this is why I am a vegetarian, at least in part. Because I have decided that if I am not going to participate in the killing/preparing of animals for meat, then I should not eat meat. Though I wear clothing and do not participate in the making of cloth, which I guess is similar. I also find meat disgusting to a certain degree, which is another factor. And mass produced meat is probably an abomination in it's own right, in terms of humane treatment, but more so in terms of natural processes, and how meat is questionably meat these days. I was looking up vitamin B12 and citric acid, b/c they are mentioned in the book and I wanted to clarify my misconceptions of the two, and I stumbled across a couple of vegetarian websites, which I found interesting to say the least. I did not realize there were so many rules involved in being a true vegetarian. I found that at least theoretically a true vegetarian is not supposed to eat fish, which I was unsure about, b/c I know those who claim vegetarian status who eat fish. (and then there's the Catholic prohibition of meat eating on Fridays and during Lent that permits the eating of fish) So I feel better about being vegetarian and not eating fish, expecially since I just don't like fish. I haven't liked fish since I was a kid, and somehow lost taste for catfish. The texture is questionable, etc. Regardless, I did not realize that true vegetarianism doesn't allow the consumption of fish, so I guess that made me feel better about myself, though the list of additives that are supposedly made from animal products that vegetarians aren't supposed to eat basically only succeeded in confusing me. Though I forgot gelatin is made from animal, and I bought some jello (and actually like jello). I thought at one point that kosher gelatin was not made from animal, or that there was some form of gelatin not made from animal, but apparently rules have changed, according to one of the websites, and even kosher gelatin is made from animal. Which I think in theory, if I remember the Biblical kosher rules (which have since been expounded upon) would not prohibit gelatin from animal, but the fact that kosher gelatin can now even include some processed version of something formerly from a pig shocked me, since pig is undeniably not kosher. So anyway. I will probably be breaking some superspecific vegetarian rules mostly through ignorance, but I have enough issues with eating as it is, so I don't know that it would be terribly prudent of me to further complicate things, lest I starve. And apparently one large group of those who practice vegetarianism do participate for reasons such as cruelty to animals and inhumane treatments, etc. Which I imagine to a certain extent I would echo, I think it is probably irresponsible and not keeping with God's granting of stewardship over the earth to us to act in such manners, but I have a hard time acknowledging my vegetarianism as a totally political act, because I think the issues involved in the processing and growing of animals are more complicated than just their mistreatment. The are a multitude of factors involving humans also that contribute to these procedures, and I do not feel well enough informed to thoroughly sort through these issues and make a well-informed decision.

incredibles

So, I am watching The Incredibles. I like the movie. I like the relationship issues between Helen and Mr. Incredible, and how they work them out, as a team. Granted I'm not looking to marry a man, but I think a relationship should be teamwork between the two partners, literally a partnership, a give and take, a twosome. God only knows when and where I'll find a woman who can take me for who I am. But maybe someday. So I like how towards the end Mr Incredible tells Elastigirl that he can't lose her again. She fears he's cheating on him, when he really just has issues of his own but never stops loving her. Call me a hopeless romantic, sappy, w/e. But someday, I think I'll get a chance. I hope. There is a lot of chance in love, a lot of work, of give and take, of heart breaking and the possibility for pain. But there could be good too, or at least I'm hoping. And maybe one day I'll find it.

adventures in guadalupe county

My roommate does the police blotter for the paper the radio station print side puts out, so I get to hear all the good stories there. There are some dumb criminals in this county. My favorites are two escaped criminals in two days, one of which stole a police car and then was found three blocks away from where he escaped. Hours later. Dude, run away. And the first one just walked out of the office, and eluded police for hours. Impressive. And he was still handcuffed when they caught him again. Another was someone who dug up a plant out of someone's yard and stole it. And it was a nice plant, but nothing exceptional, and dude, just take a clipping and grow your own. Heck, had they asked the owner of the plant they might even have been willing to share. Also, 4 virgin Mary statues, about 3' tall each, were stolen from walmart. According to witnesses, a truck drove by a few times, then someone hopped out, grabbed 4 of them from in front of the garden center, and drove off. I said I don't know that any number of hail mary's would absolve that one. What do they do, go to confession, say 'bless me father for i have sinned, i stole 4 virgin mary statues from walmart.' They actually caught the people later at the home the car was registered to, and two young men and a woman were drunk with the statutes sitting in the back seat. And, in case anyone was thinking of stealing stuff from walmart self check, they do watch that. Some lady was caught the other day trying to only ring up half the stuff in her cart, and steal the other half. They didn't much appreciate that. Then there was the guy who went to the counter at a gas station, pretended to buy a candy bar, asked to see a pack of cigarettes, then ran out with the cigarettes and left the candy. Dude, take the candy! He went to another gas station a little while later and actually bought some snack item, and then did the same thing with the cigarettes. Then he was caught at a bar trying to sell the cigarettes. And there have been several reports where people have broken in to places and only stolen beer, not even taken the money. Except b/c of the damage they do trying to break in their charges are higher b/c the cost of the crime increases. Oh, Guadalupe County criminals. Even the law enforcement officers have to laugh at some of this stuff. And more recently there were two neighbors fighting over a mailbox, one said it was his and the other neighbor stole it, so he stole it back, and they took the post and everything. My roommate was like, give me their addresses and I'll send them both one. Some people need new hobbies.

the omnivore's dilemma

I have decided to comment on my current reading, The Omnivore's Dilemma. Which of course means that I must use the italics for proper writing form. haha. Anyway. I finished the first section, about corn. Mildly disgusting, in some ways, as the author explains in a quote from Todd Dawson, "a Berkeley biologist who's done this sort of research", "When you look at the isotope ratios, we North Americans look like corn chips with legs." Not entirely promising, I don't think. The book is very well written, I guess a plus considering the author is also a noted journalist (who's name is Michael Pollan, in case you were wondering or happened to want to read the book yourself). So, the first section of the book follows industrial corn to the feedlot and finally to a McDonald's meal, which according to the carbon isotopes, is largely corn based. Feedlot cattle are being fed corn, and recycled cow parts, and hormones and antibiotics, rather than what they were created to eat, which is grass. The entire industrial food chain is about producing quantity, often sacrificing quality. And sacrificing environmental and even physical health and well-being in the process. Agribusiness is totally political, and industrialised, and no longer gives a wit about the farmer or anyone really other than itself and the profit margin it can create. Having spent most weekends of my life on a farm, albeit a small one and not one to produce large quantities of anything, basically just a family farm with cattle for the ag exemption, I find this whole concept rather disturbing. It just doesn't sit well, doesn't seem right. There is something to be said about getting up before dawn to get out in the field and around the farm and growing your own food and putting in a good day's work and spending time with God's creation. Or maybe I'm just old-fashioned. The second section in this book, however, is about just that, and while I have not gotten terribly far into it, it fosters some hope in me already. According to this farmer, "the way I produce a chicken is an extension of my worldview." I find that an excellent point, and somewhat thought provoking. He also says, "just because we can ship organic lettuce from the Salinas Valley, or organic cut flowers from Peru, doesn't mean we should do it, not if we're really serious about energy and seasonality and bioregionalism." Apparently industrial food is also a huge waster of energy and natural resources, expending more energy than it finally produces in food calories. And this farmer considers himself to be an 'opt-out' person, who would rather not participate in any sort of industrial agriculture or even the rapidly growing 'organic' food sector that he believes is falling prey to much of agribusiness without being so obvious. "But the Western mind can't bear an opt-out option. We're going to have to refight the Battle of the Little Bighorn to preserve the right to opt out, or your grandchildren and mine will have no choice but to eat amalgamated, irradiated, genetically prostituted, barcoded, adulterated fecal spam from the centralized processing conglomerate." Rather colorful pronouncement, I believe. Maybe there will be hope, maybe people like this farmer will continue to fight for their worldview, and the hellfire our country is headed for may be postponed for a bit. Anyway, just a sample of what I'm reading, and a few of my thoughts on it, I recommend the book to anyone interested. Peace.

mercy

It is possible that I have found some mercy. Finally. I don't want to count chickens before they hatch, or count eggs before somebody steps on em (or however R-J put that), but my visit with a counselor has made me think there may be hope for me yet. I have not had good luck with the psychological profession in the last year or so, and have lost most all faith in them in general. But I went to a guy the other day who happens to be of the same theological persuasion that I am, which I have not seen before. Well, actually, I did at some point, in a way, but my theological persuasions have changed in the last few years, for the better I would like to think. Anyway, I visited with him, and he treated me like a person, and I didn't feel uncomfortable and basically I think the relationship could possibly work. And God knows I need to get my life sorted out. So, not believing in luck, I just wanted to say that maybe, just maybe, this is my chance, my hope. Finally I am ready to tackle this, and I have to, I can't quit now, or I'll never make it. So may God have mercy on my soul, as I embark on this endeavor, and hopefully make ground for the better, I will probably experience more bad days, and hopefully more good days overall in the long run. I am watching Evolution right now, therefore my concentration is diverted and not wholeheartedly focused on writing right now, I only wanted to make comment to my hopeful turn for the better. And pray for the rest. Amen.

and then we met reality again

So. Yes. Reality. We have a love/hate relationship. And I have a very thick skull. I understand, finally, and people probably get tired of hearing me say that, but I do get it, that if I don't figure some stuff out I will never be in a place to discern a calling. I can only pray to God and hope for mercy that the counselor I have an appointment with on Friday will be helpful. I have been denying things for so long, but a healthy life does not come from that form of living. My lost identity as a lesbian created more trauma than I had previously realized, and if I ever want to be in a position to truly be helpful to others I need to deal with that. I cannot hope to know if I have a calling in ordained ministry or simply lay ministry or as a radio person if I do not sort through the mess that is my life now. Because the pile of crap has grown larger, and the closets are full. They no longer hold all the stuff. The rug only hides things from actual view, no one in their right mind would see the huge lump under it and not know something was there. I was so afraid of myself for so long, I don't want to be afraid anymore. I imagine I have missed some opportunities, and there were times when I just wasn't ready to see things for what they really are. But now I have to be. I want to be. I want to be whole and healthy, not the product of longterm care by others. I hope those who have been patient so far will remain such, and I thank them for the grace they have imparted to me. I don't know what my calling in life is, I can only hope to be patient as I work to discover that. If I come back to ministry so be it. I was proofing a paper for a friend earlier as he is beginning seminary and continually writes essays about his calling for one reason or another, and that was somewhat clarifying. He can say he is called to ministry because he has the clarity of having a past that is dealt with and a present that is not fraught with instability and uncertainties beyond normal life circumstances. I have neither of those, and as 'real life' gets closer and closer, and stares me in the face, I can more fully appreciate that I won't make it there unless I deal with what I have here. I am going to visit my family tomorrow, hopefully that will be a positive experience, I pray not the last one before I have to deal with their rejection, I do not know when they will find out about who I really am, or exactly how they will deal with it, I can only imagine it won't be pretty. My parents do not say nice things about homosexuals. I fear that that, added to my religious break with their tradition, will not fare well for me, at least not at first. Religion is a powerful thing, at the hands of many or few, and causes many people to do hurtful things to other people. I'll save the religious musings for another post, but suffice it to say I do not believe religion and faith are the same, and while religion has positive aspects, it can be exceedingly dangerous if misused or abused. So I end with a prayer for the world, God knows we all need it.

theological withdrawals

I am having theology withdrawals. I miss God. I know that sounds weird, but I do. I don't spend as much time with the Bible as I used to, and I miss it. Of course I need to finish my honors book, and actually reading the Bible again would alleviate the problem, however I find myself typing here and talking on AIM. But I have been thinking about my radio job, which has lately found itself grating to me, although part of that is related to some, one in particular, people I work with. And I don't doubt that some of it is my own personal hell making life difficult for me. But I at least would like to believe that it is simply a way of communicating to me that this is not what I was made for. I do understand that I will have to suck it up and deal with it, if I want to keep earning money to pay rent and such things, but maybe I can find something better. Or just move closer to Austin and work at Ritz Camera. Had it not been 130 miles from school, I would have kept it longer. That is, however, a bit of a commute. Well, I must admit I was a bit disillusioned by the new manager we got at the end of the summer, but I might could've figured it out. Or moved to the other store. W.e. I have seen posters occasionally about how people with mental illness enrich our lives. In other words, crazy people make life more interesting for the rest of us. Oh well. Someone's got to do it, I guess. But, as my theme song says, I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell. Matchbox Twenty. Hopefully soon I will produce more theologically stimulating thoughts. Patience is a virtue, my friends, and for good reason. It ain't easy. And the whole purpose of this blog was to speak something of significance, to practice writing, maybe just to open myself and explore that option. Maybe I've succeeded so far. We'll see. It hasn't been utter failure, at least. Now I shall return to The Omnivore's Dilemma, see what I can learn.

things to say

Well, I clearly have nothing important to say, nor am I worth the price of my life it seems. But I guess I'll keep going anyway. Yesterday was a bad day, hands down. I got screwed over by sunshine electronics; brooklyn schmucks. I so very naively insulted my roommate. Which I should have known better. Yet I did it anyway. WHY do I do this stuff? I do not know. Luther said to sin boldly, but I don't think he meant be an idiot. My two best consciences are out of town, so I am left alone to deal with myself. I finished The Case For A Creator yesterday, the only good event of the day. Now I have to read The Omnivore's Dilemma for my honor's class. Should be good, I have issues with food. And becoming vegetarian didn't exactly help that, but it didn't really make things so much worse either. It seems well written so far though. And I started reading the August issue of The Lutheran today, which definitely lifted my spirits a bit. Glad something did. I guess they're right about my needing to see a counselor/therapist. I just need one who is gay friendly who can help me with my faith struggles. Well, that and life. Wow, I am so screwed up. I guess they are right, I can't do this by myself. I think I might can make it without medication now, but not without someone to talk through it. I just don't know everything. As much as I'd like to think I do. And I can't always step outside of myself and see the big picture. And the big picture is a mess. I've just about exhausted local resources, hopefully this dude I'm looking into is brave enough to take me on. Or I'm going to have to look to another city. Fortunately there are some nearby. Small city Texas is generally not overly gay friendly. I don't know how I got here. I only hope I can get out. I guess desperation is the best motivator in times like this. That and the revocation of privileges. I'm not a fan. So here I am, pleading desperation once again, hopefully with some kind of positive results, sooner rather than later. I don't need more days like yesterday. Just not helpful. And forgive me for not being so important, or entertaining. Sometimes I just have to say something, even if it's overall rather worthless.