The Meaning of Life

I went to the football chapel today to run MediaShout for PG, and the sermon was pretty good for where I am in life currently. So I shall share some thoughts etc, about it. There is a clip from the movie City Slickers that PG has used before but it was in today's sermon: the part where Curly tells what'shisname about the meaning of life, finding that one thing. The One Thing that is you, that is the most important thing in your life. He says once you find it, you've got the meaning of life. And then PG went on to elaborate and give a few questions to help in the search of that one thing. 1) What do you love? 2) What are you good at? 3)What do others see you doing? 4) How can you make a difference? Answering those four questions should give you your calling. If only it were easy. It looks easy, answer four questions, job applications usually have more questions than that. But these are not easy questions, and they require some soul searching. And on occasion the things we love and the things we are good at sometimes conflict, or at least don't harmonize. I love music, but I'm not terribly good at it. Therefore some things are best left as hobbies or forms of entertainment. And I have quit my radio job, though my last day isn't until next Sunday. And I have contemplated offering to work until the 30 instead, in case they need me (which they probably will, as far as I know they have no one to replace me), but I don't know that I should. It would make an unclean break, it doesn't change the fact that the people make me crazy (or something), and as far as I know in another week I won't be feeling like I have extra time. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I miss playing soccer, but there isn't a whole lot I can do to remedy that one at this point. I am way out of shape, but hopefully intramurals will start soon, and it will also cool off some so I can start riding my bike to school. Since clearly soccer is not my vocation, I must move to something else. I love church, and theology, and I could probably argue that I'm good at it, or at least not that bad at it. And sometimes I think I hate church, or at least the physical/political manifestations of it that we humans seem so good at ruining, but then again I think maybe that's my goal, then, to try to make church not such a bad place. I heard when I was younger that we were supposed to invite people to church so they could be saved, but now I invite people to church b/c I like church and I want to share something I enjoy. I don't often get taken up on that offer, but still I think my motivation is just. And I think church scares some people, and for good reason I imagine, which is why they hesitate to take me up on it, they don't enjoy it like I do, but I wish that would change and they could enjoy it. It's hard, b/c some of the things I like about church don't mean much to others, and some of the things that would make them enjoy it more weird me out a little, but I'm learning, and working, and we'll see if at times we can't make the twain meet. It seems lately I have a renewed fear of branching out, exploring new things, taking risks, etc, and while I am not entirely sure what brought this about, it will need to be remedied, because I need to step out again. I want to, really, I don't like restrictions based on my incapacities, so I must take some steps and pray for help and forgiveness when I screw up and some grace per always. And I think I shall read the Rich Mullins book again, though I cannot guarantee that I actually have time for it, but I'll probably do it anyway. I think it could be useful. And then I'll see if I can borrow some Anne Lamott, I always hesitate to buy books if I am not sure I'll like them. Though I generally have a high opinion of the people who have read and liked this women and their opinions on such matters, but again, one never knows. I believe I have strayed a bit from the point of this all, so I shall meander my way back there now. Hopefully not having a job off campus, reading, and chapel/church experiences will allow me aid and time for soul searching so that I might better understand myself and go from there, and find the place God has for me in this crazy world in which I reside. Amen.

who's idea was this?

So, they say the 20 years are often troubled. Sadly I got that ticket. I don't mean to be trouble. Life just isn't very clear-cut right now, and I don't know where I'm going. I am at the end of college, but with no clear direction for after graduation. I don't really want to look for a job at another church that would involve leaving Living Word, b/c I like Living Word and the people there, and at this point I feel it is one of the more open congregations where there is the possibility of my being out and that being ok. And of course in general, with regards to life, my sexuality creates issues, because I found the guy I probably could have married, but I can't marry a man, and the pool of quality lesbian women seems rather miniscule. I'm probably just picky, because my faith and Lutheran-ness in particular means so much to me, and b/c finding a Christian lesbian is not easy, though one can hardly blame anyone for that. In general we avoid people who as a whole reject us. It's only natural.
And then of course there is the employment factor. I clearly need to make enough money to pay rent and eat. Otherwise I don't need a lot, but a little extra to be able to save is a must, just because you never know what will happen. I experienced the real world of being screwed this summer, some people are not concerned with their customers or anyone else's best interests. And that sucks. But I learned my lesson, and I will avoid spending money that's not in person or spending money in general until I graduate. I just don't know what job I will find. I think I'll probably try to work at some camera/photo developing store or another, that seems to be the only thing I have successfully done and enjoyed. Oh there are aspects of the radio job that I have enjoyed, but the lack of regular, daytime, not night/weeked/holiday hours is affecting me more than I thought it would. I want to make it to a place where the least little thing doesn't ruin my life. I am getting tired of finally getting to a decent place emotionally and then basically being knocked down again. I want to be reliable and capable and not just someone who must be tread carefully around. I think that can happen, it will just take time, patience, and a miracle. Or an act of God, if those two are not the same. I am sorry I am still here at this place, I don't know who's idea it was for the 20 years to be so obnoxious. But God willing I will come through them with only some scars and lessons learned, and be better for it. I pray for the grace of God for myself and others, and the renewal that comes from the waters of baptism that Luther found so very important.

some questions on reality

I am getting close to the finishing of my omnivore's dilemma book (fortunately it was not due in full the first day of class, nor the second). And it is talking about hunting, and the moral etc issues involved in hunting. And I am thinking, this is why I am a vegetarian, at least in part. Because I have decided that if I am not going to participate in the killing/preparing of animals for meat, then I should not eat meat. Though I wear clothing and do not participate in the making of cloth, which I guess is similar. I also find meat disgusting to a certain degree, which is another factor. And mass produced meat is probably an abomination in it's own right, in terms of humane treatment, but more so in terms of natural processes, and how meat is questionably meat these days. I was looking up vitamin B12 and citric acid, b/c they are mentioned in the book and I wanted to clarify my misconceptions of the two, and I stumbled across a couple of vegetarian websites, which I found interesting to say the least. I did not realize there were so many rules involved in being a true vegetarian. I found that at least theoretically a true vegetarian is not supposed to eat fish, which I was unsure about, b/c I know those who claim vegetarian status who eat fish. (and then there's the Catholic prohibition of meat eating on Fridays and during Lent that permits the eating of fish) So I feel better about being vegetarian and not eating fish, expecially since I just don't like fish. I haven't liked fish since I was a kid, and somehow lost taste for catfish. The texture is questionable, etc. Regardless, I did not realize that true vegetarianism doesn't allow the consumption of fish, so I guess that made me feel better about myself, though the list of additives that are supposedly made from animal products that vegetarians aren't supposed to eat basically only succeeded in confusing me. Though I forgot gelatin is made from animal, and I bought some jello (and actually like jello). I thought at one point that kosher gelatin was not made from animal, or that there was some form of gelatin not made from animal, but apparently rules have changed, according to one of the websites, and even kosher gelatin is made from animal. Which I think in theory, if I remember the Biblical kosher rules (which have since been expounded upon) would not prohibit gelatin from animal, but the fact that kosher gelatin can now even include some processed version of something formerly from a pig shocked me, since pig is undeniably not kosher. So anyway. I will probably be breaking some superspecific vegetarian rules mostly through ignorance, but I have enough issues with eating as it is, so I don't know that it would be terribly prudent of me to further complicate things, lest I starve. And apparently one large group of those who practice vegetarianism do participate for reasons such as cruelty to animals and inhumane treatments, etc. Which I imagine to a certain extent I would echo, I think it is probably irresponsible and not keeping with God's granting of stewardship over the earth to us to act in such manners, but I have a hard time acknowledging my vegetarianism as a totally political act, because I think the issues involved in the processing and growing of animals are more complicated than just their mistreatment. The are a multitude of factors involving humans also that contribute to these procedures, and I do not feel well enough informed to thoroughly sort through these issues and make a well-informed decision.

incredibles

So, I am watching The Incredibles. I like the movie. I like the relationship issues between Helen and Mr. Incredible, and how they work them out, as a team. Granted I'm not looking to marry a man, but I think a relationship should be teamwork between the two partners, literally a partnership, a give and take, a twosome. God only knows when and where I'll find a woman who can take me for who I am. But maybe someday. So I like how towards the end Mr Incredible tells Elastigirl that he can't lose her again. She fears he's cheating on him, when he really just has issues of his own but never stops loving her. Call me a hopeless romantic, sappy, w/e. But someday, I think I'll get a chance. I hope. There is a lot of chance in love, a lot of work, of give and take, of heart breaking and the possibility for pain. But there could be good too, or at least I'm hoping. And maybe one day I'll find it.

adventures in guadalupe county

My roommate does the police blotter for the paper the radio station print side puts out, so I get to hear all the good stories there. There are some dumb criminals in this county. My favorites are two escaped criminals in two days, one of which stole a police car and then was found three blocks away from where he escaped. Hours later. Dude, run away. And the first one just walked out of the office, and eluded police for hours. Impressive. And he was still handcuffed when they caught him again. Another was someone who dug up a plant out of someone's yard and stole it. And it was a nice plant, but nothing exceptional, and dude, just take a clipping and grow your own. Heck, had they asked the owner of the plant they might even have been willing to share. Also, 4 virgin Mary statues, about 3' tall each, were stolen from walmart. According to witnesses, a truck drove by a few times, then someone hopped out, grabbed 4 of them from in front of the garden center, and drove off. I said I don't know that any number of hail mary's would absolve that one. What do they do, go to confession, say 'bless me father for i have sinned, i stole 4 virgin mary statues from walmart.' They actually caught the people later at the home the car was registered to, and two young men and a woman were drunk with the statutes sitting in the back seat. And, in case anyone was thinking of stealing stuff from walmart self check, they do watch that. Some lady was caught the other day trying to only ring up half the stuff in her cart, and steal the other half. They didn't much appreciate that. Then there was the guy who went to the counter at a gas station, pretended to buy a candy bar, asked to see a pack of cigarettes, then ran out with the cigarettes and left the candy. Dude, take the candy! He went to another gas station a little while later and actually bought some snack item, and then did the same thing with the cigarettes. Then he was caught at a bar trying to sell the cigarettes. And there have been several reports where people have broken in to places and only stolen beer, not even taken the money. Except b/c of the damage they do trying to break in their charges are higher b/c the cost of the crime increases. Oh, Guadalupe County criminals. Even the law enforcement officers have to laugh at some of this stuff. And more recently there were two neighbors fighting over a mailbox, one said it was his and the other neighbor stole it, so he stole it back, and they took the post and everything. My roommate was like, give me their addresses and I'll send them both one. Some people need new hobbies.

the omnivore's dilemma

I have decided to comment on my current reading, The Omnivore's Dilemma. Which of course means that I must use the italics for proper writing form. haha. Anyway. I finished the first section, about corn. Mildly disgusting, in some ways, as the author explains in a quote from Todd Dawson, "a Berkeley biologist who's done this sort of research", "When you look at the isotope ratios, we North Americans look like corn chips with legs." Not entirely promising, I don't think. The book is very well written, I guess a plus considering the author is also a noted journalist (who's name is Michael Pollan, in case you were wondering or happened to want to read the book yourself). So, the first section of the book follows industrial corn to the feedlot and finally to a McDonald's meal, which according to the carbon isotopes, is largely corn based. Feedlot cattle are being fed corn, and recycled cow parts, and hormones and antibiotics, rather than what they were created to eat, which is grass. The entire industrial food chain is about producing quantity, often sacrificing quality. And sacrificing environmental and even physical health and well-being in the process. Agribusiness is totally political, and industrialised, and no longer gives a wit about the farmer or anyone really other than itself and the profit margin it can create. Having spent most weekends of my life on a farm, albeit a small one and not one to produce large quantities of anything, basically just a family farm with cattle for the ag exemption, I find this whole concept rather disturbing. It just doesn't sit well, doesn't seem right. There is something to be said about getting up before dawn to get out in the field and around the farm and growing your own food and putting in a good day's work and spending time with God's creation. Or maybe I'm just old-fashioned. The second section in this book, however, is about just that, and while I have not gotten terribly far into it, it fosters some hope in me already. According to this farmer, "the way I produce a chicken is an extension of my worldview." I find that an excellent point, and somewhat thought provoking. He also says, "just because we can ship organic lettuce from the Salinas Valley, or organic cut flowers from Peru, doesn't mean we should do it, not if we're really serious about energy and seasonality and bioregionalism." Apparently industrial food is also a huge waster of energy and natural resources, expending more energy than it finally produces in food calories. And this farmer considers himself to be an 'opt-out' person, who would rather not participate in any sort of industrial agriculture or even the rapidly growing 'organic' food sector that he believes is falling prey to much of agribusiness without being so obvious. "But the Western mind can't bear an opt-out option. We're going to have to refight the Battle of the Little Bighorn to preserve the right to opt out, or your grandchildren and mine will have no choice but to eat amalgamated, irradiated, genetically prostituted, barcoded, adulterated fecal spam from the centralized processing conglomerate." Rather colorful pronouncement, I believe. Maybe there will be hope, maybe people like this farmer will continue to fight for their worldview, and the hellfire our country is headed for may be postponed for a bit. Anyway, just a sample of what I'm reading, and a few of my thoughts on it, I recommend the book to anyone interested. Peace.

mercy

It is possible that I have found some mercy. Finally. I don't want to count chickens before they hatch, or count eggs before somebody steps on em (or however R-J put that), but my visit with a counselor has made me think there may be hope for me yet. I have not had good luck with the psychological profession in the last year or so, and have lost most all faith in them in general. But I went to a guy the other day who happens to be of the same theological persuasion that I am, which I have not seen before. Well, actually, I did at some point, in a way, but my theological persuasions have changed in the last few years, for the better I would like to think. Anyway, I visited with him, and he treated me like a person, and I didn't feel uncomfortable and basically I think the relationship could possibly work. And God knows I need to get my life sorted out. So, not believing in luck, I just wanted to say that maybe, just maybe, this is my chance, my hope. Finally I am ready to tackle this, and I have to, I can't quit now, or I'll never make it. So may God have mercy on my soul, as I embark on this endeavor, and hopefully make ground for the better, I will probably experience more bad days, and hopefully more good days overall in the long run. I am watching Evolution right now, therefore my concentration is diverted and not wholeheartedly focused on writing right now, I only wanted to make comment to my hopeful turn for the better. And pray for the rest. Amen.