who's idea was this?

So, they say the 20 years are often troubled. Sadly I got that ticket. I don't mean to be trouble. Life just isn't very clear-cut right now, and I don't know where I'm going. I am at the end of college, but with no clear direction for after graduation. I don't really want to look for a job at another church that would involve leaving Living Word, b/c I like Living Word and the people there, and at this point I feel it is one of the more open congregations where there is the possibility of my being out and that being ok. And of course in general, with regards to life, my sexuality creates issues, because I found the guy I probably could have married, but I can't marry a man, and the pool of quality lesbian women seems rather miniscule. I'm probably just picky, because my faith and Lutheran-ness in particular means so much to me, and b/c finding a Christian lesbian is not easy, though one can hardly blame anyone for that. In general we avoid people who as a whole reject us. It's only natural.
And then of course there is the employment factor. I clearly need to make enough money to pay rent and eat. Otherwise I don't need a lot, but a little extra to be able to save is a must, just because you never know what will happen. I experienced the real world of being screwed this summer, some people are not concerned with their customers or anyone else's best interests. And that sucks. But I learned my lesson, and I will avoid spending money that's not in person or spending money in general until I graduate. I just don't know what job I will find. I think I'll probably try to work at some camera/photo developing store or another, that seems to be the only thing I have successfully done and enjoyed. Oh there are aspects of the radio job that I have enjoyed, but the lack of regular, daytime, not night/weeked/holiday hours is affecting me more than I thought it would. I want to make it to a place where the least little thing doesn't ruin my life. I am getting tired of finally getting to a decent place emotionally and then basically being knocked down again. I want to be reliable and capable and not just someone who must be tread carefully around. I think that can happen, it will just take time, patience, and a miracle. Or an act of God, if those two are not the same. I am sorry I am still here at this place, I don't know who's idea it was for the 20 years to be so obnoxious. But God willing I will come through them with only some scars and lessons learned, and be better for it. I pray for the grace of God for myself and others, and the renewal that comes from the waters of baptism that Luther found so very important.