The Meaning of Life

I went to the football chapel today to run MediaShout for PG, and the sermon was pretty good for where I am in life currently. So I shall share some thoughts etc, about it. There is a clip from the movie City Slickers that PG has used before but it was in today's sermon: the part where Curly tells what'shisname about the meaning of life, finding that one thing. The One Thing that is you, that is the most important thing in your life. He says once you find it, you've got the meaning of life. And then PG went on to elaborate and give a few questions to help in the search of that one thing. 1) What do you love? 2) What are you good at? 3)What do others see you doing? 4) How can you make a difference? Answering those four questions should give you your calling. If only it were easy. It looks easy, answer four questions, job applications usually have more questions than that. But these are not easy questions, and they require some soul searching. And on occasion the things we love and the things we are good at sometimes conflict, or at least don't harmonize. I love music, but I'm not terribly good at it. Therefore some things are best left as hobbies or forms of entertainment. And I have quit my radio job, though my last day isn't until next Sunday. And I have contemplated offering to work until the 30 instead, in case they need me (which they probably will, as far as I know they have no one to replace me), but I don't know that I should. It would make an unclean break, it doesn't change the fact that the people make me crazy (or something), and as far as I know in another week I won't be feeling like I have extra time. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I miss playing soccer, but there isn't a whole lot I can do to remedy that one at this point. I am way out of shape, but hopefully intramurals will start soon, and it will also cool off some so I can start riding my bike to school. Since clearly soccer is not my vocation, I must move to something else. I love church, and theology, and I could probably argue that I'm good at it, or at least not that bad at it. And sometimes I think I hate church, or at least the physical/political manifestations of it that we humans seem so good at ruining, but then again I think maybe that's my goal, then, to try to make church not such a bad place. I heard when I was younger that we were supposed to invite people to church so they could be saved, but now I invite people to church b/c I like church and I want to share something I enjoy. I don't often get taken up on that offer, but still I think my motivation is just. And I think church scares some people, and for good reason I imagine, which is why they hesitate to take me up on it, they don't enjoy it like I do, but I wish that would change and they could enjoy it. It's hard, b/c some of the things I like about church don't mean much to others, and some of the things that would make them enjoy it more weird me out a little, but I'm learning, and working, and we'll see if at times we can't make the twain meet. It seems lately I have a renewed fear of branching out, exploring new things, taking risks, etc, and while I am not entirely sure what brought this about, it will need to be remedied, because I need to step out again. I want to, really, I don't like restrictions based on my incapacities, so I must take some steps and pray for help and forgiveness when I screw up and some grace per always. And I think I shall read the Rich Mullins book again, though I cannot guarantee that I actually have time for it, but I'll probably do it anyway. I think it could be useful. And then I'll see if I can borrow some Anne Lamott, I always hesitate to buy books if I am not sure I'll like them. Though I generally have a high opinion of the people who have read and liked this women and their opinions on such matters, but again, one never knows. I believe I have strayed a bit from the point of this all, so I shall meander my way back there now. Hopefully not having a job off campus, reading, and chapel/church experiences will allow me aid and time for soul searching so that I might better understand myself and go from there, and find the place God has for me in this crazy world in which I reside. Amen.

who's idea was this?

So, they say the 20 years are often troubled. Sadly I got that ticket. I don't mean to be trouble. Life just isn't very clear-cut right now, and I don't know where I'm going. I am at the end of college, but with no clear direction for after graduation. I don't really want to look for a job at another church that would involve leaving Living Word, b/c I like Living Word and the people there, and at this point I feel it is one of the more open congregations where there is the possibility of my being out and that being ok. And of course in general, with regards to life, my sexuality creates issues, because I found the guy I probably could have married, but I can't marry a man, and the pool of quality lesbian women seems rather miniscule. I'm probably just picky, because my faith and Lutheran-ness in particular means so much to me, and b/c finding a Christian lesbian is not easy, though one can hardly blame anyone for that. In general we avoid people who as a whole reject us. It's only natural.
And then of course there is the employment factor. I clearly need to make enough money to pay rent and eat. Otherwise I don't need a lot, but a little extra to be able to save is a must, just because you never know what will happen. I experienced the real world of being screwed this summer, some people are not concerned with their customers or anyone else's best interests. And that sucks. But I learned my lesson, and I will avoid spending money that's not in person or spending money in general until I graduate. I just don't know what job I will find. I think I'll probably try to work at some camera/photo developing store or another, that seems to be the only thing I have successfully done and enjoyed. Oh there are aspects of the radio job that I have enjoyed, but the lack of regular, daytime, not night/weeked/holiday hours is affecting me more than I thought it would. I want to make it to a place where the least little thing doesn't ruin my life. I am getting tired of finally getting to a decent place emotionally and then basically being knocked down again. I want to be reliable and capable and not just someone who must be tread carefully around. I think that can happen, it will just take time, patience, and a miracle. Or an act of God, if those two are not the same. I am sorry I am still here at this place, I don't know who's idea it was for the 20 years to be so obnoxious. But God willing I will come through them with only some scars and lessons learned, and be better for it. I pray for the grace of God for myself and others, and the renewal that comes from the waters of baptism that Luther found so very important.